


reckoning

by chtkwn (mooshu)



Series: disorderly au [2]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Autism, M/M, Neurodiversity, autistic!leo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:59:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5873098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooshu/pseuds/chtkwn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He looks at his reflection in the mirror - his hair is getting a little long, and is messy due to not being combed in a few days. He forgets easily. There's a little red patch with the tiniest hint of blood on his bottom lip from chewing on it all day. There's a streak of black pen going across his cheek from yesterday when he was making a grocery list.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> <i>Despite all of this, Hakyeon still says, "You're very pretty, Taekwoonie."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	reckoning

**Author's Note:**

> plotless and self indulgent, as always
> 
> if you havent read my other stuff you wont get this
> 
>  **warnings:** ableism, anxiety, illness (nthn srs), talks/thoughts about death
> 
> [russian translation](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4822986) \- thanks to [grintmary](http://twitter.com/grintmary)!

Taekwoon doesn't like their new house that much.

It's small, even smaller than their apartment. There's a living room that makes up most of the house, a kitchen that's connected to it, a bathroom, and a bedroom. There's not even a laundry room, and Taekwoon doesn't understand how they're going to wash their clothing without one. The house on the outside is very square and is made of concrete. It's ugly and shabby looking. Taekwoon just does not like it.

Hakyeon seems to though. He studies Taekwoon as the landlord, an old man that walks with a cane, gives them a tiny "tour" of the house. It's really a tour for just Taekwoon, since Hakyeon's been here several times already. He told Taekwoon before he saw it that it was cute and warm and cozy. He's lied.

"Do you like it?" he asks when the landlord is done, pulling Taekwoon aside in the bedroom to talk with him. Just like the rest of the house, the room is tiny. Taekwoon doesn't see how their new bed is going to fit in here along with the rest of their belongings. It's going to be cramped, he knows already.

"I know it's small," Hakyeon continues, like he was reading the other's mind, "but we don't need anything too big anyway. And rent is _really_ cheap. It's in a secluded area, not too many neighbors. I bet you like that, huh?" 

Taekwoon does like that a bit. He chews on his bottom lip as he thinks on what to say - a bad habit he's picked up recently. Sometimes when he gets too anxious he even manages to draw blood. Hakyeon reaches into his pocket and holds out a stick of gum, which Taekwoon takes. That was his solution he thought of a while ago, to give him gum to chew on instead. It works pretty well. "The laundry room," Taekwoon finally speaks. "There's no laundry room."

"We'll go once a week to the laundromat to do the laundry," Hakyeon says. "Or just me, if you don't want to. It doesn't matter. But our clothes will be getting washed, don't worry, okay?." He gives Taekwoon a reassuring smile, hand going up to pet through his hair. That does make Taekwoon feel just a little bit better. Not just about the laundry but about the rest of the house too. He trusts Hakyeon. If he says not to worry, then Taekwoon is not going to worry. Or, at least he'll try not to.

 

-

 

Packing is hard, because every once in a while Taekwoon comes across something interesting, like an old stress ball he completely forgot about or one of his movies he hasn't watched in forever. Hakyeon says that they need to get rid of some things, and to just throw away stuff like that so it doesn't sit around in their new house and take up space. But Taekwoon will sit with the stress ball, squeezing it over and over, thinking about how much he's going to miss it if he was to throw it out, despite the fact that he has like three other new stress balls he plays with.

They each have a trash bag to throw their stuff away in. Taekwoon's has half a pencil and a sock with three holes. Hakyeon's is half full - he has no problem with throwing things away. Either that or he just has too many belongings. 

Taekwoon sits the stress ball in his "maybe" pile. He goes back into the drawer he's currently on, grabbing a book. It's his favorite book from when he was younger that's he kept all these years, about a small bunny that was born with no tail and got picked on by all the other bunnies. Taekwoon isn't sure if he should keep this or not. He likes the story, but it's written for preschoolers. His birthday is soon and he'll be twenty-five, it would be silly for him to keep it. He'll throw it away, even if it makes him a bit sad.

Taekwoon decides to read the book for one last time before putting it in his trash bag. He opens it up, and a picture falls out. 

It's him when he was just a baby with his sisters. His eldest sister is holding him, and they're sitting in front of a Christmas tree. It really surprises Taekwoon - he doesn't recall having this picture in the book. He's not sure if he's ever even seen it before now, if he has it must have been a while. 

Taekwoon feels a sudden wave of sadness go over him. He hasn't seen his sisters in a long time, not since he moved to the city with Hakyeon after they graduated. He didn't even get to say goodbye to two of them. His middle sister had gave him a hug, which was weird. He's never had a true relationship with any of them. His parents kind of kept them separated.

He wonders what his sisters are doing now. He knows his eldest one (Misol? Minsol? or something) is married, she was married already when he left home. Jeohyun was in culinary school, and the other one whose name has completely slipped his mind was just starting out as a nurse. That's how much their parents separated them - Taekwoon struggles to even remember their names properly. It makes him a little sad.

He's so immersed in the picture and memories he barely notices Hakyeon get up from his spot on the floor, yawning loudly. "It's getting late," he says. "Let's finish this tomorrow." He looks over at Taekwoon, eyes going to the picture in his hand. Taekwoon shuts it back into the book as quickly as he can. He doesn't feel like talking about it right now. Hakyeon looks curious but doesn't pry, just gives Taekwoon a pat on the head before heading out to wash his face before sleep. 

Taekwoon follows. He puts the book in his "keep" pile before doing so.

 

-

 

Unpacking is just as hard is packing. Their first night in their new house is spent doing so, placing dishes in the cabinets and hanging clothes in the closet. Taekwoon never wants to move again, it's too much annoyance and work. Hakyeon seems to not mind it, singing Christmas carols under his breath. "It's almost Christmas," he says defensively, but that's not true. December is still three months away.

They don't have any furniture just yet. Since Hakyeon's parents redecorated their house, they're going to visit this weekend and give them some of their old furniture. For now though, they have to eat the fried chicken they ordered by sitting on a blanket in the living room floor, which isn't very comfortable.

"It's like an indoor picnic," Hakyeon says. Taekwoon wonders how he manages to stay so optimistic all the time. 

They have to sleep on the floor as well, because their new bed hasn't been delivered. They do this in their bedroom, surrounded by boxes they haven't gotten around to yet. Hakyeon lays down nearly every blanket they have in order to make it as comfortable as possible. It's still not as nice as real bed though. Taekwoon tosses and turns for at least an hour before he manages to fall asleep.

 

-

 

The weekend is busy. Hakyeon's parents comes with a couch, a recliner, and an armchair. Taekwoon claims the recliner as his immediately and curls up into it once they get it set up. It feels amazing after sleeping on a floor for three nights. 

Speaking of which, the bed is delivered that day as well - two men come in with the bed pieces in a big box, and stays to assemble it. It's a lot to take in for Taekwoon, all of these people in a new house he's still not used to. He thinks he's going to lose his cool so he locks himself in the bathroom. He feels a little better after splashing cold water onto his face though. He sits in the bathtub until the bed men leave.

Hakyeon's parents eats dinner with them before leaving. The house is back to being quiet with just Taekwoon and Hakyeon... until Hakyeon announces that he's going to vaccuum. 

Taekwoon hates the vaccuum. It's too loud and it hurts. He has to go outside until Hakyeon is done. "It'll be really quick, I promise," he says.

Taekwoon entertains himself by kicking around his soccer ball. He's really into soccer nowadays, like he was back in school. He plays soccer a lot with his friend Se Il, and Se Il's friends, Minseok and someone else whose name Taekwoon doesn't remember. Taekwoon was nervous the first time he played with them, because they're normal people, not like himself and Se Il. But they're _nice_ normal people. Like Hakyeon.

Taekwoon gets too caught up in his thoughts and accidentally kicks the soccer ball too hard. It flies through the air, across the yard, and into the bushes of the house next to them. This house is also small and concrete, but the concrete is painted a pale green and is surrounded by pretty flowers so it's not as ugly as theirs. Taekwoon goes over to retrieve his ball, pausing for a moment when he notices a huge red rose bush. He loves roses because they smell nice, and he leans down near the bush to get a whiff of these. They're very sweet smelling. It pleases him. He would stand here all night if he could.

"Hey," the sudden voice startles Taekwoon, causing him to jump. He looks to see a woman standing at the back door of the house, not very far from him, a finger pointed in his direction. "What are you doing? Get away from my rose bushes!"

Taekwoon nods, and just starts to step away slowly. He didn't mean to make this woman upset. He was just smelling the flowers. "Sorry," he remembers to say, but it's so low she must not hear him. She just keeps yelling.

"Get out of my yard! Do you not see the No Trespassing sign? Get out before I call the police!" 

Taekwoon did see the sign before, but he hadn't paid it any attention because he doesn't really know what trespassing means. It must be bad, especially if she's going to call the police. Taekwoon doesn't like police, they're not nice normal people. And neither is this woman. "Sorry," he says again, a bit louder this time. "Don't call the police."

Taekwoon quickly retreats back into his own yard. The woman is still standing outside, watching him closely. He sits down next to his front door and covers his face with his hands - he knows she can still see him, but he can't see her so it's kind of like she's not there anymore. That sounds silly, but it's true. He doesn't know when she goes back in, or how long he sits there like that. It's not very long though because Hakyeon soon opens the door to tell him he can come in now.

"Are you okay?" he asks as Taekwoon gets up from off the ground. Taekwoon nods eventhough he really isn't okay. But he doesn't want to talk about the incident with the woman right now, or ever probably, so he just keeps quiet.

 

-

 

A lot of things add up over time that makes Taekwoon break down. 

There's moving and the new house and all the people that went in it their first week of living in it like the electrician, the guy from the cable company, the landlord and his wife, Hakyeon's parents, the bed men. There's the neighbor that yelled at him, and the elderly couple across the street that has two outdoor cats but doesn't like for Taekwoon to play with them, because they're afraid he's going to hurt them. ("I'll get your own cat, Taekwoonie," Hakyeon tells him.) There's a lady on the new bus Taekwoon rides to his job at the library with a baby that _constantly_ cries, but when he covers his ears everyone gives him dirty looks. There's the new carpeting in the library that looks all wrong, there's Hakyeon's haircut that's too short and different, there's all the unpacking they still haven't gotten to.

And there's the Chinese they order (they've gotten a lot of food delivered to them lately, because Taekwoon hasn't felt up to cooking and Hakyeon's attempts turn out inedible), Taekwoon asks for pork fried rice but they accidentally send chicken instead. It's not even that much of a big deal since he eats the chicken kind as well but it's still wrong and overwhelming. 

He crawls underneath the kitchen table and starts to cry. Hakyeon doesn't bother him, he knows not to, he just sits and eats quietly as Taekwoon does his crying. Crying isn't enough, so Taekwoon takes his fork and starts to stab at the floor, the underside of the table, the wall. He grabs a fortune cookie and crushes it inside its little packet, then another one. 

When Taekwoon throws the fork, he isn't aiming at anything in particular. It just happens to go to Hakyeon, who's now at the counter pouring himself more cola. The fork hits him in the mouth and he lets out a surprised shout, hand going to his face. Taekwoon screams loudly, because he didn't mean to do that, and he leaves his spot from underneath the table to lock himself up in the bathroom instead, crawling into the bathtub.

His fit calms down after a few moments He's tired and hungry and has a headache. He can hear someone knocking at their front door, and then Hakyeon answering it.

"Is everything okay over here?" Taekwoon knows who that voice belongs to, it's the neighbor that yelled at him for trespassing into her yard. He also knows what trespassing means now, because he Googled it. "I thought I heard screaming."

"Everything's fine," Hakyeon reassures her. "Taekwoon's just letting off steam." He says it so casually, like it's nothing eventhough Taekwoon has thrown a fork at him and hurt his lip. It makes Taekwoon's heart squeeze painfully.

"Oh," the neighbor answers. "Well, good thing I checked first. I was about to call the police." Taekwoon wonders what's up with her and the police.

"That's not necessary," Hakyeon says quickly. "We're all good. Thank you for the concern though."

The neighbor leaves after that. It's quiet again. Taekwoon sits in the bathtub a little while longer, repeatedly turning the shampoo bottle upside down and watching it run down to the bottom before turning it back up and letting it run again. When he gets bored of that, he decides to leave the bathroom to go eat his dinner.

The food's cold now, but Taekwoon doesn't feel like heating it up. He just wants to eat it fast so he can get to bed. The chicken fried rice is extra delicious, and he's actually kind of glad the Chinese place sent it instead of the pork kind. Now as he thinks back on it, it's ridiculous that he threw a fit over such a small thing. He can't believe _that's_ what made him snap.

Hakyeon sits down at the table quietly next to him as he eats. Taekwoon can see his hand go up a few times, like he wants to touch Taekwoon, but puts it back down as he decides against it. Taekwoon lets him know it's okay to touch now by taking his hand himself and placing it on his head. Hakyeon laughs, and starts to pet him. It feels really nice.

"Are you alright?" Hakyeon asks him. Taekwoon thinks it's funny he's asking him that, when he's the one that got hit by a fork. There's a tiny red scratch on his lip where the fork hit, and it's swollen a bit. That really hurts Taekwoon to see that, and knowing that he was the one that caused it makes it even worse.

Hakyeon notices him staring. "It's fine," he says, his finger brushing over his lip. "It doesn't even hurt anymore."

Taekwoon isn't that convinced. It looks bad. "Sorry. It was an accident."

"I know, it's okay." Hakyeon removes his hand from Taekwoon's head and pats his cheek instead. "Don't worry about it."

Taekwoon tries not to worry, or think, about it but it's hard. He knows that everytime he looks at Hakyeon from now on, he's going to think about the time he threw a fork at him, along with all the other times he's hurt him due to his outbursts. He doesn't want that list to grow any bigger. He wants it to stop.

 

-

 

Taekwoon gets promoted to Assistant Librarian. That's the level under Head Librarian, he thinks, which is Joo's position. She tells him that once she retires, he'll be Head Librarian then. He doesn't want to think about Joo retiring. He probably wouldn't be a very good Head Librarian like she is.

He love his new Assistant Librarian job though. He gets paid more money. He gets to wear a shiny gold name tag with Assistant Librarian written on it, and he also gets to boss around the library employees that's under him now, like if he doesn't feel like putting a big stack of books back onto their shelves he can just pass it over to someone else and tell them to do it. Joo says not to do that with all the books though. Just every once in a while. 

Taekwoon also gets his own spinny office chair in Joo's office, and his own bead maze just like the one that's in the children's books section. He gets to go in her office, sit in his spinny chair, and play with the bead maze whenever he feels like he needs a break. He tries not to do that too much as well because he feels unproductive.

Sometimes he even gets to run personal errands for Joo, like go out during lunch and get her something to eat or answer her office telephone when it's someone she doesn't want to talk to. These things aren't included in his pay he gets every Friday, she pays him a little extra for them right out of pocket. 

Hakyeon is so excited for Taekwoon. He throws a mini party by buying a cheesecake and writing _congratulations_ on it with chocolate sauce. He gives Taekwoon lots of kisses. Taekwoon can't help but notice the little white scar that's replaced the scratch on Hakyeon's lip. Taekwoon doesn't like that, but he tries to focus on the kissing instead. 

 

-

 

November gets here fast. It's a lot colder now, there's a bunch of nice crunchy leaves on the ground, and Taekwoon's birthday is in a few days. 

Taekwoon is going to be twenty-five. Hakyeon fake sobs about it. "We're so old," he says, but Taekwoon doesn't think they're _that_ old. Fifty is old, and seventy and a hundred. ("We're halfway to fifty," Hakyeon tells him then, and then he does feel old.) 

When he was a child, Taekwoon never really understood birthdays. He didn't understand when people would tell him happy birthday, or why they were giving him cake and presents over it. In middle school, Hakyeon told him that his birthday was exactly how it sounded - his birth day, the day he was born on a certain year. People celebrate it because it's his special day, his birthday. But Taekwoon doesn't think it's all that special because he once saw someone on television with the same one as him.

("I thought it was _my_ special day," he had said.

"Well, it is," Hakyeon answered, "but a lot of people share it. Everyone shares a birthday with someone. It doesn't make yours any less special though.")

Taekwoon doesn't has a lot of plans for his birthday this year. He's going to work, then play soccer and basketball with Se Il and Se Il's friends, and then eat cake with Hakyeon after dinner for dessert. The day after, him and Rin Hi are supposed to meet up at the library and she's going to give him her gift. They don't get to see each other often because she's so busy these days.

For some reason, near his birthday Taekwoon always start to think about his family. He wonders if they know it's his birthday, if they still remember it or how old he is. He looks at the picture in the bunny book and he feels really old then. He was just one month old there, now he's 300 months old. He knows that because he figured it out on the calculator.

Hakyeon wakes Taekwoon up on November 10th, his birthday, by singing. He sticks one of those pointy birthday hats on his head and leads him into the kitchen. There's microwavable waffles, because Hakyeon cannot cook. 

He gets his present at breakfast as well. It's a decent sized square box with a pretty blue bow around it. He has no idea what it could be because he didn't really ask for anything besides a strawberry ice cream cake. Hakyeon is more excited for him to open it than he is. 

It's hunting headphones.

 _Hunting headphones_ , but Taekwoon doesn't even hunt. He's so confused. But he knows when someone gives you a present you're supposed to pretend you like it even if you don't because that's the polite thing to do. "Thanks, Hakyeonie," he says, trying very hard to make his face be happy.

He must not do a very good job because Hakyeon laughs at him. "You're so cute," he says, and Taekwoon blushes. "Hunting headphones help reduce a lot of noise," he goes on to explain. "I figured they'd come in handy for you."

That makes a lot of sense. Taekwoon likes the present now, and says a more genuine thanks to Hakyeon. He wears his new headphones on the bus to the library and they work perfectly. He can still hear the baby crying and all the other noises but its significantly lower now. It's almost like being able to have a volume button for his ears.

During lunch break, Joo and the rest of the library employees sing happy birthday to Taekwoon, and then they eat cake. She slips him extra money as a present. She doesn't do that with any of the other employees on their birthdays, only with Taekwoon because he's her favorite, she told him so one time. He really likes her too. She's a nice normal person.

Se Il and Se Il's friend's Minseok picks Taekwoon up from the library when it closes. They go to their favorite field to play soccer. Se Il's other friend (Jinyoung, that's his name) and a few other people Taekwoon's never met before is there as well. He's a bit nervous around them because they're new, but they seem nice and all wish him a happy birthday.

Taekwoon's a good soccer player, that's what everyone says. At the end of the day, his team's wins two of the three games they've played. It makes Taekwoon feel really good about himself. Someone tells him he should become a professional soccer player, but he's not too sure about that. He's happy with being a Assistant Librarian instead.

Taekwoon gets to eat more cake after dinner that night with Hakyeon. It's strawberry with fresh pieces of the fruit on top, and ice cream in the center. It's so good he eats two big slices before Hakyeon stops him. "We can save the rest for later," he says.

Taekwoon thinks that's the end of his birthday. He curls up in his recliner and turns on the television to watch. He hears Hakyeon say something about going outside to the car because he left something from work in it. Taekwoon nods to let him know he heard - he's really focused on this show right now. It's one of his favorite ways to relax.

He doesn't hear Hakyeon leave. He doesn't hear him come back in either. He does hear a soft meow though, and then there's a small kitten in his lap. It's grey and white with an adorable pink nose. Taekwoon's eyes widens.

"Happy Birthday!" Hakyeon says, clapping. "This is your real present! I mean, the headphones were real too, but you know."

The kitten meows again and Taekwoon takes it into his arms. He runs a finger down its back - it's so soft and it feels nice. "My cat?" he asks. He's so overwhelmed, in a good way, that he can't speak in full sentences right now. He's wanted a kitten for a very long time. His parents didn't allow him to have one when he was living with them because they said he couldn't handle the responsibility, and then pets weren't allowed in his and Hakyeon's old apartment. There was only that one time Hakyeon mentioned getting a cat after they moved into the house, but that was a while ago and no more was said on it. This is a true surprise.

"Of course it's your cat," Hakyeon says, getting down on his knees next to the recliner to pet the kitten. "And mine, just a little bit. Mostly yours."

Taekwoon wants to say thank you, but he can't speak anymore. His eyes are watery with tears, but they're the happy kind. He tries to kind of bury his face into the kitten's fur because he doesn't want Hakyeon to see him crying, but he thinks he does anyway because he leans over to plant a kiss on the top of Taekwoon's head.

"You're welcome," he says.

 

-

 

Taekwoon names the kitten Bibi. It takes him three days to name it, and he's not sure where Bibi came from but it's fun to say it over and over so he just sticks with it. 

Bibi likes to lick people and if you ignore him, he'll climb up your pants leg. He likes the canned tuna cat food better than the chicken or beef, and he likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub whenever Taekwoon takes a bath or shower. His favorite things to play with are pipe cleaners. Taekwoon had originally bought the pipe cleaners for himself because he likes to twist them around in his fingers when he's nervous, but he's willing to share them with Bibi.

He really loves his kitty.

 

-

 

It snows a few weeks later.

Taekwoon loves the snow. He takes Bibi out in it and it's funny to see the small kitten hop around and swat at it curiously. Taekwoon tries to build a snow-kitty, but it fails so he makes a regular snowman instead. They don't have any carrots inside so he takes an orange pipe cleaner instead and sticks it in the middle of the snowman's face. Bibi jumps up to grab it, and the entire snow head falls down onto him. The look on his face is so funny to Taekwoon that he can't even get angry at the kitten for wrecking his snowman.

They go in after it gets too cold. Taekwoon gives Bibi his canned tuna and he makes some noodles for himself. It's so warm inside all he wants to do is cuddle up and take a nap until Hakyeon gets back from the laundromat. Maybe that's what he'll do.

Taekwoon's phone vibrates then. A phone call. He thinks it's Hakyeon at first, but it's from a weird number that he doesn't know. Taekwoon declines the call. He does not answer to strange people. He does wonder how they got his number though.

Just as he's finishing his noodles, his phone vibrates again. This time it's a text message from the same number. It reads - _Hi, is this Taekwoon?_

Yes it is Taekwoon, but how do they know that? Who is this? Is it someone he's met before, like one of Se Il's friends or something, gave them his number but then forgotten all about it? He doesn't think so. He only remembers giving Minseok his number and that's it, and Minseok only texts to tell Taekwoon when their next soccer meet up is. 

Just to make sure though... _Who are you?_

It doesn't take long at all to get a response. _It's Minsol._

Minsol? As in, his eldest sister Minsol? That can't be right. How would she have Taekwoon's number? She used to have the one he had in high school but that one's long gone. Taekwoon shakes his head. It must be a coincidence, there's more than one person named Minsol out there probably. Though that doesn't explain how this Minsol would know his name.

His phone vibrates again. It's another phone call from the number. 

This time he answers it, just to make sure. 

"Hello?" His voice is so low he's not sure she can hear him.

She does though. "Hello?" she says. "Taekwoon? It's Minsol."

Oh, it _is_ her. Taekwoon is suprised to hear her voice after all these years. He had forgotten it long ago, but now listening to it on the phone it sounds familar. "Yes, it's Taekwoon," he says, and he's surprised at himself as well to be able to talk.

"Taekwoon," Minsol says, and she laughs. "You're actually talking to me, I never thought you would." Taekwoon doesn't remember, did he really never talk to her? There had to be at least one time. "I've really missed you," she goes on. "It's been a long time, right?"

Taekwoon nods, forgetting that Minsol can't see him nod over the phone. The front door opens then - Hakyeon is back. He drops their laundry bags onto the floor and groans, rubbing his shoulder. The laundry is heavy, Taekwoon knows, and usually he would go out and help Hakyeon with it but he was too busy with this strange phone call. "Hi, Taekwoonie," Hakyeon says as he enters the kitchen, peeling off the top layer of his winter clothing.

Minsol hears. "Is that Hakyeon?" she asks. "Can I speak to him please?"

Taekwoon nods again. He wordlessly hands his phone to Hakyeon, who takes it with a confused expression. "Hello?" he says, and Taekwoon doesn't know what comes next because he retreats into their bedroom. It's a good time to take that nap he was thinking about.

 

-

 

It's dark out when Taekwoon wakes up. He can smell something burning, and he quickly gets up out of bed. Hakyeon's tried to cook rice. It's all black and sticks completely to the pot, which is now ruined. Taekwoon just dumps the entire thing into the trash can. Hakyeon laughs, but not really.

"I don't know what happened," he says. "I left it for just one minute to use the bathroom."

They settle for bowls of cereal as dinner instead. It's quiet besides their crunchy chewing and Bibi's purring. He has more tuna in his kitty bowl on the floor, eating happily. 

Taekwoon spots his phone on the kitchen counter, and is reminded of what happened before he fell asleep with the phone call and Minsol. He doesn't think that was a dream. It didn't feel like one. He gets up to to take his phone just to check - the text message are still there. Hakyeon's watching him intently. "Are you okay?" he asks after a minute, and Taekwoon nods. He really is, eventhough he's confused.

"I talked to her for a while," Hakyeon says. "She wants you to visit her."

Taekwoon doesn't say anything, because he's not sure on what he should say. Why does she want him to visit her? He's doesn't know if he wants to or not. After a few minutes of silence, Hakyeon continues. "She told me a lot," he says. "Do you want me tell you? I know this has to be overwhelming..."

Taekwoon nods.

Hakyeon hesitates. "Your mother is well," he says slowly. "Your father..." He shifts around in his seat, like he's uncomfortable or something. "He, ah... passed away. A few years ago."

Taekwoon isn't expecting to hear that. He's in the middle of getting a spoonful of cereal, and he just kind of drops the spoon into the bowl. It sinks down under the milk. "I'm sorry, Taekwoon," Hakyeon says, his hand hovering over Taekwoon's arm but not touching just yet. Taekwoon isn't sure what to think about this piece of information. He's never cared for his father. Out of Taekwoon's entire family, he was probably most distant with him. Taekwoon can't remember ever having a good moment with him. He yelled at him a lot and that was it.

"He had a really bad case of pneumonia," Hakyeon says after a minute. "It just got worse, according to your sister... Are you okay?" he asks again. 

Taekwoon nods. He is okay, but kind of not. He's never had to deal with death before. Even if he didn't have a relationship with his father, it's still sad. The last time he saw him was at that dinner where they told his parents he would be moving with Hakyeon instead of going to the community college like they wanted him to, and that's it. What a bad way to end things.

 

-

 

Minsol calls a few more times after the first one, and she texts Taekwoon a lot eventhough he tries not to text back ((though Taekwoon does like the pictures she sends him of her own pets, two dogs and a turtle, and her daughters. _They would love to meet you_ , she says, but he thinks that's just a way for her to say _she_ wants to see him)). Her and Hakyeon have also been talking together he knows, because she asks him questions about Bibi and the library and his friends when Taekwoon hasn't even told her about any of those things.

Their phone calls are mostly one sided. Minsol talks a lot, sometimes going on for at least ten minutes at a time with no pause - Taekwoon usually just sits the phone down and does his own thing while he waits for her to get done. Sometimes she puts her two year old on the phone to say hello to "Uncle", and to sing him whatever new nursery rhyme she's learned at preschool. Taekwoon actually really likes some of the songs, and they get stuck in his head. He finds himself humming them while making dinner or showering.

 

 

-

 

Rin Hi visits Taekwoon at the library. They go into Joo's office and Taekwoon lets her sit in his spinny chair. Besides himself, Rin Hi is the only one that can use it, because it's his special chair and he can decide who gets to sit in it. 

They don't get to see each other a lot because Rin Hi is always busy. She's changed a lot - her hair is way shorter and her ears are pierced. She lets Taekwoon touch her ear rings. They're cool, diamond and shiny and Taekwoon kind of wants his ears pierced now so he'll have his own.

The thing that has changed the most about Rin Hi though, is that she doesn't use her phone to type out what she wants to say anymore. She has a tablet with some kind of program that speaks out loud for her whenever she types something. The voice sounds like a robot kind of and Taekwoon doesn't really like it, but it's still pretty cool. He wonders what Rin Hi's real voice would sound like though.

This makes him remember all the way back when he was small, no older than three or four, and he was like Rin Hi - didn't speak at all. He screamed and laughed a lot and that was it. If he remembers correctly, his first spoken words were _give the juice_. His parents were all excited to hear his voice for the first time. He understands why now. It would be very exciting to hear Rin Hi speak words. 

 

-

 

Minsol wants Taekwoon to visit for Christmas. Her and her husband and children, Eunyoo (his middle sister's name, the one he forgot) and her boyfriend, Jeohyun and their mother are gathering for the holidays. Taekwoon can't handle that, seeing everyone at one time and at such short notice so he declines the invitation. They schedule for a visit during the spring instead, after Taekwoon has had more time to prepare. Minsol takes the rejection well, and tells him to take all the time he needs. That's weird to Taekwoon. He wonders where all that understanding and support was when he was younger.

He and Hakyeon are going to travel to Hakyeon's parents' place instead for Christmas, like they usually do. It's going to be crowded, because there's Hakyeon's aunts and uncles and cousins and their kids. Taekwoon usually just quietly sits in the corner with a fidget toy or something. Everyone (besides Hakyeon's parents, who are used to him) just ignores him. They only know him as Hakyeon's weird friend.

Hakyeon's excited, as always, to visit home because they don't do so that often. He's excited to eat his mother's cooking again and sleep in his old bedroom. It makes Taekwoon feel a little excited too, eventhough Christmas is nothing special to him. Just more stress. It's magnified this year as well because of his upcoming visit with his family. He feels like he can barely even function correctly.

Taekwoon wakes up early on the morning before Christmas Eve (Christmas Eve Eve, as Hakyeon calls it). He dreads the day because he has to spend it packing for their three day trip that begins tomorrow. He shouldn't have put it off to the very last minute.

Hakyeon is in the bathroom coughing up a storm - he's had a bad cough for a few days now, along with a slight fever. He's been insisting that he's fine and it'll blow over, but Taekwoon isn't so sure about that. He's not a doctor but he can still tell that Hakyeon sounds terribly sick, enough for him to stop at the bathroom to check on him.

"Don't get too close," Hakyeon warns him. His voice is a little hoarse. He waves the thermometer he holds. "My fever's skyrocketed. I know I said I wasn't going to the hospital, but I think I'm going to go get checked out. Just to be safe."

Taekwoon nods. Better safe than sorry, he knows that's what everyone says.

Hakyeon gets his friend from work, Hongbin, to take him to the hospital because he's too tired and sick to drive. Taekwoon tries not to worry and focuses on packing for the holidays - although he's not sure if that's still happening. If Hakyeon can't even drive himself to the hospital twenty minutes away, he surely can't drive them five hours to his parents' place. Taekwoon doesn't want the other to be sick, but he's secretly relieved their trip is probably gonna be called off.

He packs anyway, just in case. He feeds Bibi. He checks his phone. Nothing from Hakyeon, though Minsol has text him a picture of her Christmas tree. It's big with a lot of presents underneath it. Taekwoon and Hakyeon's tree that sits in the corner of the living room is tiny and artificial, and only has five presents.

Two of those presents are for Hakyeon. Taekwoon likes Christmas shopping for him - he bought a jacket and Sharpies, because Hakyeon is always complaining about losing all of his Sharpies at work. He's proud of his presents because he bought them with his own money from the library, and wrapped them by himself (eventhough they're a little sloppy). Rin Hi had had a rare free day and went to help Taekwoon shop. He had fun with her, though when they were buying the jacket the cashier mistook them as a couple. That was _embarrassing_.

 

-

 

Hakyeon has _pneumonia_.

Along with giving him medicine, the doctor has put him on bedrest for a few days so their trip is definitely cancelled. Hakyeon is sad - so sad that he cries a little bit. Taekwoon doesn't really know what to do about that because he's terrible at comforting others and he doesn't want to get too close and get sick as well. He just feels bad.

He makes sure Hakyeon gets settled in bed with a cool washcloth on his head, then goes to get soup. There's cans of chicken and noodle in the cabinets that Taekwoon can heat up in the microwave, so he does just that, serving a bowlful to Hakyeon along with some crackers. He offers to feed him but Hakyeon doesn't let him.

Taekwoon doesn't think about it until his sister sends him a few more picture messages later - one of her dogs wearing Santa hats, one of the snow falling outside her apartment window, then one of their father's grave, half covered in snow with a new bouquet of poinsettia laid on it. That's when it hits Taekwoon - his father died of pneumonia. Hakyeon has pneumonia.

The worst feeling comes over Taekwoon, he can't describe it. His appetite has left him suddenly, and he feels like the little bit of beans and rice he had just been eating is going to come back up. Does this mean that Hakyeon is going to die too? It's an awful thought, and Taekwoon whines, unable to handle it. He gets up from the kitchen table, going to their bedroom and peeping inside through the slightly opened door. 

Hakyeon is awake, sitting up in bed and doing something on his laptop. He's still coughing badly, his fever hasn't went down a lot, his usually brown skin is a greenish pale color and he had only ate half a bowl of his soup. Taekwoon doesn't think that's very good. His heart is racing now, his palms are getting sweaty, breathing is getting difficult. He goes and curls himself up inside the bathtub and tries to calm down.

 

-

 

Hakyeon is asleep when Taekwoon leaves the bathroom a while later. He can see the rise and fall of Hakyeon's chest as he breathes - so that means he's still alive, which is good. Taekwoon replaces the washcloth that has dried out with a new, cooler one and sits on the floor next to the bed for a while, making sure Hakyeon keeps breathing. 

Taekwoon's still not completely calmed down. He's worried, scared, a little confused. He can't get the thought of Hakyeon... _"leaving"_ out of his mind. If Hakyeon was to "leave", what would happen then? Taekwoon would be alone. He has his friends, Joo, and maybe Minsol, but none of them is the same as Hakyeon. Taekwoon is sure no one else could take care of him like he can. He's impossible to replace.

Taekwoon had planned on staying in the room with Hakyeon until he woke up, but it's getting a little hard to breathe again so he leaves to find something else to focus on. 

That's easier said than done. Taekwoon tries to watch television but his mind keeps drifting off, back to the subject of death and Hakyeon. He wonders how long pneumonia takes to kill someone, he's not sure. He wonders if the medicine the doctors gave to Hakyeon will help keep him alive. He wonders if Hakyeon knows about all of this, and why he hasn't talked to Taekwoon about it. Maybe he didn't want Taekwoon to know so he wouldn't worry himself. That sounds like something he'd do. It's too late now though, Taekwoon's already figured it out on his own.

His thoughts are interrupted by Hakyeon entering the room. He's coughing badly, but he does look a bit better - some color has returned to his skin. Maybe sleep has helped him a bit.

"Hi," he says to Taekwoon, giving him a small smile. His voice is rough and scratchy. "Sorry I slept so long."

Taekwoon doesn't answer (he can't), so Hakyeon goes on. To the bathroom, into the kitchen. Taekwoon can hear bowls and spoons rattling around, the sound of a can opening. He must be heating up another can of soup. Taekwoon thinks this is good. If Hakyeon is hungry he really must be feeling better, because earlier he had no appetite. Maybe Taekwoon is worrying himself for nothing.

...Or maybe not, because Hakyeon only gets through a few spoonfuls before getting sick. Taekwoon stands in the bathroom doorway watching as the other rinses his mouth out after it's over, unsure of what to do. Hakyeon's looking pale and tired again now. Taekwoon is a little angry, not at Hakyeon but at his pneumonia. For a minute there, it had tricked him into believing Hakyeon was getting better, and was now laughing at him for it.

It sounds silly but that's what it feels like.

"I should just stick to fluids right now," Hakyeon mumbles when he's done. He examines himself in the mirror over the sink for a moment. He catches eye contact with Taekwoon through it and smiles, waving him over.

Taekwoon obeys. He looks at his reflection in the mirror - his hair is getting a little long, and is messy due to not being combed in a few days. He forgets easily. There's a little red patch with the tiniest hint of blood on his bottom lip from chewing on it all day. There's a streak of black pen going across his cheek from yesterday when he was making a grocery list.

Despite all of this, Hakyeon still says, "You're very pretty, Taekwoonie."

Taekwoon feels his face reddening. He's not pretty, not right now. He's dirty. Hakyeon is prettier, even when he's sick. There's no scabs on his lips or pen marks on his face. His hair is nicely cut and neat, depsite the fact that he's been in bed nearly all day. His appearance in general is nice, while Taekwoon's... just isn't.

 

-

 

They watch a movie together because Hakyeon suggests it, complaining about how he hasn't seen enough holiday ones this season. He finds The Polar Express on television and they settle in on the couch - opposite ends because he doesn't want Taekwoon to get sick. Taekwoon curls up on his end, feeling a little sad because watching movies isn't the same without Hakyeon cuddling him.

But he doesn't want to get pneumonia either, so he just deals with it. 

Taekwoon's not sure when he drifts off to sleep. It's near the end of the movie, he thinks, when Hakyeon pulls his legs into his lap and starts to gently scratch them, run his fingers along them. He's still coughing a lot. It's the last thing Taekwoon hears as he falls asleep.

It's dark and quiet when he wakes up. He's still on the couch, but now alone with a blanket thrown over him. Taekwoon lays there for a moment, trying to adjust to the darkness. He was just dreaming before. He's already forgotten what it was about, but he knows it wasn't good. He thinks it was about Hakyeon.

Hakyeon - Taekwoon should go check on him. The digital clock on the end table reads 3:00. He's been asleep for too long, he hasn't been awake to watch Hakyeon and make sure he's still breathing and alive. 

Taekwoon gets up quickly, tripping over the blanket a little. He makes his way into their bedroom where Hakyeon lays. He can tell he's still alive before even checking because his breathing is making little wheezing noises. Taekwoon feels the panic that had been taking over him subside a little bit. He still checks, sees the rise and fall of Hakyeon's chest. 

Taekwoon still isn't completely satisfied though. His dream was bad, whatever it was. He takes a hand and starts to gently shake Hakyeon awake, just to be 100% sure that he's okay.

Hakyeon groans a little, making Taekwoon feel bad for a moment, and blinks up confusedly.

Taekwoon leans over, wrapping his arms around Hakyeon's neck and just letting himself fall onto him, rolling into the bed. Hakyeon yelps a bit at the unexpected action, then goes into a coughing fit. The coughing hurts Taekwoon's ears, he doesn't like it. He wants Hakyeon to get better and to stay alive. It's making him a little teary eyed.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon says afterwards, his voice a little raspy. "We can't be this close. I don't want you sick."

Taekwoon whines, burying his face into Hakyeon's neck despite the other's words. Hakyeon sighs, his hand petting Taekwoon's hair. "Did you have a bad dream?" he asks, and Taekwoon nods. "Dreams aren't real, they're harmless."

Taekwoon knows that, but that doesn't make his dream any less frightening. He still pulls away, wiping at his wet eyes, because he also doesn't want to get sick. "Pneumonia."

"Right," Hakyeon says. "I have pneumonia, I'm sorry."

Taekwoon doesn't understand why Hakyeon's apologizing, he can't help being sick. He shakes his head. "My father had pneumonia." He hopes Hakyeon gets what he's trying to communicate. He doesn't want to directly ask, _Are you gonna die?_ , because it would be too hard.

Hakyeon's quiet for a moment, which is scary. It's hard to see his face through the dark so Taekwoon can't try to guess what's going on with it. Every second that passes without an answer, he gets more and more sure that Hakyeon is just going to confirm his worries. His grip on the other's shoulder tightens.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon finally says, "your dad was older than me. Much older. His pneumonia was more severe, and he had had lung problems for many years before then. As for me, I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. You don't have to worry about that."

"Are you sure?"

Hakyeon pulls Taekwoon close again, despite the fact that earlier he was insisting they keep their distance. He hugs Taekwoon tightly, to the point where it almost hurts. "Yes," he answers firmly. "I am."

Taekwoon himself still isn't all that sure, but hearing Hakyeon's reassurance does help his nerves calm down considerably. If Hakyeon says there's nothing to worry about, than there really is nothing to worry about. He's never been wrong before.

 

-

 

A few weeks later, when Hakyeon is better and still very much alive, Taekwoon asks what's going to happen to him when Hakyeon really does _leave_. He didn't when he had pneumonia, but it's still inevitable. Before, Taekwoon had never thought about it. He and Hakyeon had felt immortal. But now it's constantly lingering in the back of his mind. As if he needed another thing to worry about.

"I don't know," Hakyeon answers. That's scary, because Hakyeon is supposed to know. He always knows. Taekwoon never knows things. "That's far away from now. We'll discuss it when the time comes closer."

"How far away?"

Hakyeon sighs. He's in the middle of a stack of papers from work. There's a lot of them filled with words that Taekwoon doesn't understand, and he probably shouldn't be bothering the other right now but he needs answers. "I don't know," Hakyeon repeats. "Fifty years? Sixty?"

That _is_ far away. They'll both be super old then. "So when do we discuss it?"

Hakyeon smiles, clicking his pen a few times. "Just remind me on my 70th birthday or something."

Taekwoon knows Hakyeon's probably joking, but he still makes a mental note. He _will_ remember this conversation fifty years from now.

**Author's Note:**

> sry for any grammar errors/weird wording.  
> if you have any ideas/prompts/suggestions for me dont hesitate to tell me. i cant promise i'll fulfill them tho.  
> also, disclaimer(??) - idk the names of the real leo's sisters i just made some up for this story.


End file.
